Happy Belated Valentine's Day, Art Monkeys!

I'm sorry this letter didn't reach you until now, but I was spending my Valentine's Day with someone special - Raquel Reed! She was our model for our special Valentine's Day session with the reddest colour palette you have ever seen. Lauren Goldberg was there taking photographs that she has generously allowed me to share with you as a late Valentine's gift.

That is one rude lollipop!

As someone who saw The Terminator at a young age, sights like this chill my blood. It has already begun! The machines are taking over!

The winner of the Left-Handed Drawing Contest (not pictured) won stockings by What Katie Did, as seen here being endorsed by Raquel Reed (very pictured).

I wasn't dateless for Valentine's Day. I had hordes of artists as my date.

The theme of the next contest was to create a love letter to Raquel Reed to try to win her heart through your art.

This person thought he could win Raquel just by drawing well. Psh! You didn't even use pretty colours!

This person had a better idea - ice cream! It's sweet and it costs money, unlike the previous person's foolish entry.

This person showed real dedication, getting a tattoo of Raquel on her arm.

But in the world of romance, it is very hard to compete with unicorn rides.

The winner of this contest won a gift certificate from Gowanus Print Lab for a screen-printing course. I know it's no unicorn ride, but it's pretty damn good regardless.

At this point, the audience was on the edge of their seats. So was the model.

The reader is left to imagine what incredible thing might be hiding behind the artist's arm. Could it be the rest of Raquel's body or something far more sinister? Who can say?

As Raquel abused this cuddly creature from Squishable, artists were asked to incorporate their real-life break up stories into their art.

The first artist gave her lover a "Dear John" letter, then didn't walk away fast enough, so she was still there when said lover read the letter. She didn't press down hard enough with her pencil, but, trust me, it was a really good drawing.

This entry makes me want to hug the hell out of the artist. It'll be okay!

This artist gets all weepy remembering someone flipping him the bird. Seriously? That's not pain. You know what pain is?

It's losing your love WHILE YOU'RE IN JAIL. That's pain.

The contest winner rescues the Squishable critter and gives it a good home where alt models don't beat it.

During the session, this pretty little thing was selling Raquel Reed posters. You may think it's sexist of me to refer to a young lady as a "thing," but little do you realize she's really a robot. That's right! The machines are coming and they can be anyone! Stay vigilant!

This artist wore out his red marker for his art.

By this point in the evening, this is what everything looked like.

Our audience can create some impressive art when they are given enough time to finish.

The last contest was the model's choice, and what the model really wanted was cock. Lots of it. And our audience was more than happy to give it to her. It was Valentine's Day, after all.

Just like every Sunday night, Raquel carefully chooses which penis she likes best.

The winner of the book from Baby Tattoo had the added touch of nipples that really liked the Rolling Stones.

One of the winners of the Drinking Contest had Cock-el Reed wearing a cock-tail dress that makes her look like a cock-topus. Also, it ejaculates little hearts.

The other showed Raquel manually manipulating a giant anthropomorphic pig. So, now you have a good idea of how to really impress a woman.

Before we left, Foley had a very important message: As a heterosexual, he is often criticized by gay suitors for being too straight. He insisted that he was not too straight at all and offered this evidence:

That is Foley making out with Dennis. So Happy Valentine's Day to all the yaoi fangirls!

Thank you to Foley, Dennis, Melissa, Lauren, John, and Yao.

- Syd Bernstein