Velcome, Art Monkeys.
For our last session, we returned to the west side of the East River, but it seemed that we had not yet rid ourselves of our monster problem. This time, the monsters infesting our stage were vampires - specifically the Cullens Edward and Bella from the best-selling and critically disavowed novel, Breaking Dawn, the stake through the heart of the Twilight trilogy. Although famed for the shallowest romance and most transparent Mary Sue in any non-Objectivist work, I have to admit that it is the creepiest, most disturbing, and most terrifying vampire book I have ever read. We just know that there is no way Hollywood will do justice to to this pinnacle of horror and Superboy fan fiction, so we decided to have our own beloved models Madame Rosebud and Little Brooklyn reenact the thrilling first part of the novel. And unlike stupid, smelly Kristen Stewart, Little Brooklyn actually got pregnant for the part. Let's watch.
Seeing that intense stare coming from her, I suddenly understand the appeal of those God-awful movies. Not only that, I am now on Team Rosebud.
Channeling Robert Pattison, Madame Rosebud exhibits the full range of emotion, from torment to boredom and back.
Little Brooklyn is acting her ass off!
For our first contest, our artists had to draw using only their left hands, like Paul Reubens in Buffy, The Vampire Slayer. After rewatching Buffy, I now see that his left hand was the one he lost, not the one that remained. And yet, I am not changing the joke.
Like all teenage girls, a pulse is a real turn-off for Bella.
Here we have more examples of how Dr. Sketchy's artists are better than you. At everything.
Even faced with the miracle of life, Edward is racked with ennui.
For our second contest, we had our artists incorporate things that will kill a vampire.
Although this drawing was not part of the contest, it should be pointed out that if the vampire is a Green Lantern, then the colour yellow might kill it.
Although many horror writers (and most older mythology) deny that sunlight will kill vampires, these particular vampires are preppies and punk rock (like Social Distortion) does kill them.
Yes, Donatello's weapon of choice from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles could indeed be used to kill a vampire.
I don't know if the alien from Alien actually could kill vampires, but I do know that someone must have written a comic book about it and that I will never read it.
As frightening as raining crosses would be, it would probably take care of your vampires.
You may think that Jesus is more into healing than killing, but, as we all know, casting Revive kills the undead. No, really.
Our prize for this contest was a book from our good friends at Baby Tatto. I haven't mentioned them in a while, but every one of their books is better than every book by Stephenie Meyer. Grant Morrison, too.
One! Two! Three! Four! Four breasts! Ah ah ah!
Edward has a headache this big. This caption brought to you by the Center for Outdated Pop Culture References, where I'm not just the president, I'm also a client.
Our last contest was for the artists to do their best rendition of the famous birth scene of the horrible, ungodly half-vampire Renameme.
Dear Lord! Put it back in! Put it back in!
This artist went the extra step of showing Edward extracting the baby with his teeth.
Seriously, if Bella's baby was Bat-Mite, that would have been such a better book. Especially if Jacob still married him.
Our contest winner receives her prize of a cuddly, non-vampire-killing turtle from Squishable, still in its original plastic wrapping.
And as often happens at vampire parties, a slayer showed up and killed Edward. So our story had a happy ending. Thank you to Molly, John, Melissa, Justin, Foley, Yao, Kate, and Dolcy. See you this weekend.
